Why me? Why not me? Continued....

I came home and cried, I felt that my whole world crashed on me. That I could not work in my field with my hair issue. It seemed fine for men but not young women. So, I stopped working- I am figuring out how to cope at his time. I was bawling for the whole day- I mean really good to. A huge self pity party. I had child care for the kids. My husband! He kept them busy and said mommy isn't feeling good and I wasn't. I do not think I would let myself go in this direction if I did not have care for my little ones. I mean I have them on a schedule.

Today it was my day to feel sad. To feel my loss, to really feel it. To feel the loss of being told I had this issue. I do not want it. How am I suppose to be me? To be cute and happy? How am I suppose to stay positive and want to be the best I can be? I felt crippled, slapped in the face by God - Universe. The next day my eyes and face were swollen. I dropped off the boys at school and decided that like this is my Petty Tyrant. I felt better. I re-membered Carlos Castaneda's books, stated in his book about how the Petty Tyrant can make one stronger and how it is a good thing to help one move to a heightened awareness. I took a deep cleansing breathe. I took it all in. I then went to my sister-in-laws. I had a terrible itch later that night and went back one days later to my dermatologist. I told her I think I had a reaction to the Rogaine or the blood pressure medicine that she gave me. She said no- it is Shingles caused most likely by stress. OH, MY GOD! What .. not this too? It was two week before Christmas and I was getting electrical type shocks in my back and on my left breast where the shingles were. I was given a steroid to put on the shingles and an oral virus med so i didn't get some other strange nerve ending issues. So, two days later my throat hurt and the next day I was not feeling well. the next day my throat decided to get white patches and it was a Saturday. Christmas was a few days away and I was feeling awful. I couldn't stand up, I was on walking to the shower to the bed to the teapot. I was dizzy, hot and cold and could not get comfortable. I called my twin over. Since she is a nurse and her husband I thought perhaps they could help me. They said they could only recommend me going to urgent care.

They took me. We arrived to Providence Urgent care and the message marching said they close a 7:45PM. We arrived at 6:59. As I was desperately trying to get to the door with help from my twin, the door was locked and blinds shut in our face. I knocked desperately on the door. I need help- I yelled in a crying voice. This bleach blond 22 year old open ed the door and said: Sorry - we are closed and we close at 7:00pm today.) I begged to be seen another nurse or med aid came and said that the doctors just were leaving or had left. As they shut the door in my face, I heard them laughing and not quietly but loudly as they said try the emergency room.

My sister was pissed and laughed in a heckle back to them. Now I was getting cold flashed bad and had coat and a blanket wrapped around me as I wobbled back to her car with tears from pain running down my cheeks. I was not feeling good at all. My twin and her husband decided to would be best to take me home and take me back to urgent care the next day. I was going to let them but inside I was yelling no- I want help now- I can not handle this any longer. I then spoke up and said please drop me off at Emergency. I can not help how I feel here. I need help now! Please get me help. I had tears and little voice. I begged them to take me. They seemed not to want to. Then my sister dropped off her husband and gave me some throat spray and said" I will take you..sis".

We got to Emergency and I told them I was afraid my throat would close- shit I didn't know and I wanted to help no not in three hours. I waited 15 minutes and I was sent back. I wobbled I could not walk straight up, I was bent over and I didn't care how idiotic I looked. I was doing the best I could at that moment. I was not offered a wheel chair at the OHSU emergency but I didn't care I was getting help and I was happy. I was given tea when I asked for it. Anything hot to lessen the pain in my throat. Oh!! That felt good. Thank Goodness for hot tea! I was also seen immediately. It was determined that my throat would not close so they gave me a pain pill and said they believe I have Strep Throat because of the white patches. An hour late they gave me a shot of Penicillin in my rump. Ouch!! Thank Goodness though _ I felt much better 24 hours later.

A couple days later Christmas came. I was no longer really contagious so I went to my sister-in-laws for a couple hours so we could be with family. I was really out of it and my promoter energy was no longer available. I not only felt icky...I also felt like I had a hidden secret. I am no longer normal or pretty, I felt like a misfit because I also knew that under this strep throat and shingled body also was something far worse to my ego. My hair and how it would never be that thick pretty and yes sometimes wild and frizzy curly hair again. It would become more thin and no longer unique, no longer would I be seen as special or that is how I always felt.

I am now 33, feeling older and now seeing it happen before my eyes. OH.. NO! Why me...A thought immediately answered me and said Why not. Ouch! I thought that I did ask the Universe to be transformed and to be not only brighter but to feel and see life differently.

Never in my dreams did I ask for this. I then shouted back to the Universe why can not the evil step mother (Marlys) that beat me as a child get this? Why didn't that b-tch get the cancer that my mom died from. Why is she okay>

The answer - why not! So, I decided to pick up my books, listen to Kelly Howell, Jean Houston's audio clips, Earl Nightingale, the Secret cd and any thing else and move through
this.

Next post- what happens next and how I am coping today.